a broken heart

by nicole gheller

I have never had my heart broken. Yes, I have had several disappointments in my love life – if you can even call it a love life – but I have never been left heartbroken. For years I have sat beside my friends and heard their heartbreak stories through their tears but I have never been able to relate. I admire those who are able to open themselves up to someone and give that person everything they have, well aware that they have given them the power to hurt them.

There have been times when I thought I could do it, but just as quickly as they came in to my life, they left and I was once again disappointed. Disappointed in myself for thinking that I could actually let someone in to my heart. Disappointed that I cared.

I know that ‘no [wo]man is an island’ but I feel like my heart is an uninhibited island that doesn’t show on maps or radars. It’s incredibly difficult for me to be interested in someone, let alone be interested in someone who is also interested in me. This leads me to think that maybe I haven’t had my heart broken because it was broken from the beginning. Maybe my heart doesn’t function properly and I’m not meant to fall in love. Is there something wrong with me? The problem actually isn’t me, which can be hard to accept when you are left on ‘read’ far too often; I just haven’t found someone who is worth taking that risk. You know, the kind of person that you read about in books or that you see in movies. I’m not the only one who thinks so. I may have friends who were left broken after love, but I also have friends who, just like me, haven’t felt the agony of love.

They agree with me; the ones we’ve met just weren’t worth getting hurt for. Sometimes I feel as though I’ve missed out on the whole ‘young love’ thing but I’d rather wait for something real than force myself to feel something that wasn’t meant to be in the first place. While writing this, one person kept coming in to my mind. I haven’t heard from him in a while but I would be willing to take that risk with him. Then again, it’s like I said before, the guys I’m interested in aren’t interested in me and I’m okay with it... Sometimes. Although I do often wonder if maybe he thinks that I’m the one who’s not interested.

I struggle to talk about my feelings, sometimes I can’t even share things with my friends, and keeping it all bottled up inside makes things harder. I’ve been told many times that I’m ‘difficult to read’ but I just find it hard to tell people how I feel because most times I’m not even sure what it is that I’m feeling. The only guy I have ever been close to having something serious with still doesn’t know how I felt about him. It’s been six years. Maybe if I had been honest about my feelings things would have turned out differently and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t struggle so much right now.

Some things just aren’t meant to be and it’s really hard to accept it, but I always wonder why it is that I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t mind waiting for something real, but how much longer will I have to wait? How do some girls manage to bounce from relationship to relationship when I can’t find someone who will stand still with me for a minute? At this moment I couldn’t be happier to be alone and have my bed to myself but there are nights when I lay awake and wish I had someone next to me who would comfort me when I can’t sleep.

Maybe I’ll just embrace my single and fabulous self and have fun and not worry about falling in love. After all, I’m surrounded by friends who love me and, honestly, I couldn’t ask for anything better because I know that they love me unconditionally and won’t ever break my heart.